Welcome back, mama. Letās be real for a second. We love the romance, but sometimes the pressure of Valentineās Day feels like just another chore on the list. Flowers die, and let’s be honest, chocolate just makes us breakout these days. Sometimes, laughter is the only thing left to save the evening.
“Valentineās Day: The only day itās socially acceptable to pay 300% markup on roses just to prove you aren’t a monster.”
If you are looking for a way to transition from “Netflix and actually watching Netflix” to something a little more fun, you are in the right place. This list of Dirty Valentine jokes for couples is here to give you those quick wins.
Whether you need Naughty Valentine’s Day jokes to text him at work, or some RisquĆ© Valentine humor to whisper during dinner, Iāve got you covered. Itās okay to have a little fun in your marriage.
Let’s get weird š
My Top 3 Favorites
These are the ones that actually made me giggle today. They are perfect for testing the waters.
“Are you a light switch? Because you sure know how to turn me on.”
“I love you with all my butt. I would say heart, but my butt is bigger.”
“Letās play carpenter. First, weāll get hammered, then Iāll nail you.”
šļø Fun Finds for Humor Lovers
- š Knock Knock Vouchers for Lovers
- š Talk Flirty to Me Game
- š Funny Couple Aprons
- š Why I Love You Fill-in-the-Love Book
Naughty Valentineās Day Jokes for Him š
Let’s start with something for the man of the house. These Spicy Valentine one-liners for him play into that confident, “helpful husband” vibe we all know and love.
1.
“Are you a mechanic? Because you really know how to handle your tools.”
2.
“I bought you a gift for Valentineās Day. Itās me. Youāre welcome.”
3.
“Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a really strong connection in the bedroom.”
4.
“I was going to get you a box of chocolates, but I thought youād prefer a box of me instead.”
5.
“You must be a campfire, because youāre hot and I want sāmore.”
6.
“Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears (and so do my clothes).”
7.
“Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?”
8.
“I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath awayā¦ and I might need mouth-to-mouth later.”
9.
“Youāre like my favorite library book. I just want to check you out.”
10.
“Are you a drill sergeant? Because you have my privates standing at attention.”
11.
“Iām not a weather girl, but you can expect a few inches tonight.”
12.
“Your license must be suspended for driving all these girls crazy, but you can park in my garage anytime.”
Spicy Valentine One-Liners for Her š
Ladies, we deserve a laugh too. These Suggestive Valentine jokes for wife and Flirty Valentine jokes for her celebrate you while keeping things a little cheeky.
13.
“Are you a parking ticket? Because youāve got ‘FINE’ written all over you.”
14.
“Do you have a name, or can I call you mine (for the next 20 minutes)?”
15.
“Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because youāre Cu-Te.”
16.
“Iād never play hide and seek with you because someone like you is hard to find.”
17.
“If you were a fruit, youād be a fine-apple.”
18.
“Are you a camera? Because every time I look at you, I smile.”
19.
“Is it hot in here, or is it just our marriage?”
20.
“You must be a broom, because you just swept me off my feet.”
21.
“Are you a bank loan? Because you have my interest.”
22.
“I must be a snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.”
23.
“Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again in my lingerie?”
24.
“If kisses were snowflakes, Iād send you a blizzard.”
Dirty Valentine Puns and Wordplay š
Sometimes you just have to groan before you giggle. These Adult Valentine puns use food and household items to set the mood.
25.
“I love you a waffle lot.”
26.
“Letās avo-cuddle and see where it goes.”
27.
“You make my heart skip a beet.”
28.
“Iām bananas for you. Letās peel back the layers tonight.”
29.
“We make a great pear.”
30.
“Iām nuts about you.”
31.
“Youāve stolen a pizza my heart.”
32.
“Don’t go bacon my heart.”
33.
“I love you from my head tomatoes.”
34.
“Youāre un-beer-lievable in bed.”
35.
“I find you very a-peel-ing.”
36.
“Let’s taco ’bout how hot you are.”
Suggestive Valentineās Day Card Messages š
Need something short to write in a card or on a sticky note? These Dirty Valentineās Day messages for husband are punchy and perfect.
37.
“Youāre my favorite cardio workout.”
38.
“I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it.”
39.
“Thanks for all the orgasms.”
40.
“Youāre the only meat I want to eat.”
41.
“Happy Valentine’s Day to the person who knows exactly how I like my coffee and myā¦ other things.”
42.
“I plan on spending tonight doing something that rhymes with truck.”
43.
“You + Me + Whipped Cream = Happy Valentineās Day.”
44.
“Let’s commit the perfect crime: I’ll steal your heart, you steal my bed covers.”
45.
“Your package has been delivered. Unwrap me later.”
46.
“I love you. Now take off your pants.”
47.
“My heart is full, and tonight, my hands will be too.”
RisquĆ© Jokes to Spice Up Your Date Night š„
If you are out at dinner or just finished putting the kids to bed, use this RisquĆ© Valentine humor and Inappropriate Valentineās Day jokes to set a late-night tone.
48.
“Dinner is on me tonight. Literally.”
49.
“Iām on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat itā¦ but for you, Iām on a ‘see you’ diet.”
50.
“Are you a vampire? Because you look like you want a little bite.”
51.
“Letās skip the movie and make our own scene.”
52.
“If you were a dessert, I wouldn’t share.”
53.
“Iād invite you for a drink, but Iād rather swallow something else.”
54.
“My bed is broken. Can I sleep in yours?”
55.
“Let’s play a game. It’s called ‘Who can get naked the fastest?'”
56.
“I ordered a large sausage pizza, but I think Iāll just have yours.”
57.
“Dessert isn’t the only sweet thing on the menu tonight.”
58.
“Let’s make this a silent movie nightā¦ lots of action, not much talking.”
Flirty Valentine Knock-Knock Jokes for Adults ā
These are silly, classic, and perfect for an eye-roll that turns into a smile. Here are the best Flirty Valentine Knock-Knock Jokes for Adults.
59.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Al.”
“Al who?”
“Al give you a night you won’t forget.”
60.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Anita.”
“Anita who?”
“Anita little love from you right now.”
61.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Olive.”
“Olive who?”
“Olive your body next to mine.”
62.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Candice.”
“Candice who?”
“Candice door lock so we can have some privacy?”
63.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Lucas.”
“Lucas who?”
“Lucas the lips on you!”
64.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Ben.”
“Ben who?”
“Ben thinking about you naked all day.”
65.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Justin.”
“Justin who?”
“Justin time for a little fun.”
66.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Wire.”
“Wire who?”
“Wire you still dressed?”
67.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Howie.”
“Howie who?”
“Howie gonna fit a quickie in before the kids wake up?”
68.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Ima.”
“Ima who?”
“Ima dreaming of you tonight.”
69.
“Knock, knock.”
“Whoās there?”
“Do.”
“Do who?”
“Do me.”
Your Questions Answered š§
What are some dirty Valentine jokes I can text my partner?
If you are texting while he is at work, keep it short and use emojis for “plausible deniability.” Try something like: “My to-do list for tonight: 1. You. ā ” or “I hope your day is as hard as you make me. š”
Tell me some naughty Valentine’s Day jokes that are actually funny.
The key difference between crude and clever is timing. Naughty Valentine’s Day jokes work best when you catch him off guard. A great one is: “I love you so much Iād even shave my legs for you. Maybe.” It’s funny because it’s true!
What are some suggestive Valentine puns to use in a card?
Puns are great for cards. Try: “Iāve got a massive crush on you,” (with a drawing of a soda can), or “Bee mine,” or for something spicier, “Wood you be my Valentine?”
Conclusion
Let’s face it, Dirty Valentine jokes for couples are a much better gift than a generic teddy bear. When you ask yourself, “What are the best spicy Valentine one-liners for couples?”, the answer is always the one that makes your partner smile and blush at the same time.
Look, if these don’t get you a ‘thank you’ in the bedroom, you probably forgot to do the dishes. Fix that first.
Pin this for when you’re desperate at 11 PM on Feb 14th. š
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