Valentineās Day: The one day a year we pretend the person snoring next to us doesn’t drive us crazy.
Let’s be honest, mamas. Sometimes the Hallmark cards just don’t cut it. While flowers are nice, a good laugh is often the glue that holds a marriage togetherāespecially after the kids are finally asleep. If you are tired of the mushy stuff and want to keep it real this year, funny valentine’s day card jokes for couples are the only way to survive February 14th without getting a toothache from all the sweetness.
Whether you need punny valentine card jokes to make him groan or cheesy valentine’s day puns for cards that are so bad theyāre good, Iāve got you covered. This list is your secret weapon for a stress-free, laughter-filled holiday.
Letās dive in š
My Top 3 Favorites
These are the ones that actually made me giggle today while sipping my (third) cup of coffee.
- The Honest Truth
“I love you more than coffee. But please don’t make me prove it.”
- The Reality Check
“Youāre my favorite person to text… when Iām in the same room as you.”
- The Foodie Love
“I love you with all my belly. I would say heart, but my belly is bigger.”
āØ šļø Fun Finds for Humor Lovers āØ
If you want to pair your card with a little something extra, these are some fun picks!
- š Knock Knock What I Love About You Fill in the Love Book
- š Funny Valentine’s Day Cards Assortment Pack
- š Novelty Mug: I Love How We Don’t Have to Say Out Loud…
- š Couples Tabletopics: Questions to Start Great Conversations
Punny Valentine’s Day Card Jokes š
Let’s start with some food and animal humor. These punny valentine card jokes are the ultimate budget-friendly valentine card humorācheap laughs are the best laughs!
1. Perfect for the partner who loves carbs almost as much as they love you.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “You have a pizza my heart, even if you never share the crust.”
2. A great option for the coffee addict in your life.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Words cannot espresso how much you mean to me.”
3. Use this one if you guys ate way too many tacos on your first date.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Letās taco ābout how awesome we are together.”
4. For the husband who handles the grill duties in the summer.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre rare. I think youāre very well done.”
5. A sweet little pun for the fruit lover.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “You are one in a melon.”
6. If your spouse is basically a giant teddy bear, this fits.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I canāt bear to be without you.”
7. For the couple that loves breakfast for dinner.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I love you a waffle lot.”
8. A classic cheesy line for the cheese lover.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Brie mine forever.”
9. If you guys are attached at the hip (or the couch).
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “We go together like peanut butter and jelly.”
10. For the gardener or plant mom/dad.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Iām totally succ-ulent for you.”
Silly Valentine Jokes for Him š
Let’s target the male ego and his specific hobbies. These funny valentine card messages for husband and short valentine jokes for boyfriend are sure to get a smirk.
11. For the guy who thinks a runny nose is a near-death experience.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I love you even when you have a man cold.”
12. When his gaming console gets more attention than the laundry.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I love you more than you love your PlayStation. Okay, maybe itās a tie.”
13. Ideally suited for the partner who refuses to ask for directions.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Iād follow you anywhere… mostly because you have the GPS.”
14. For the husband who is the master of the TV remote.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre the only one Iād give up the remote for. (During commercials.)”
15. If his idea of cleaning is moving a pile from one chair to another.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre messy, but youāre my kind of messy.”
16. A wink to his snoring habits.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I love you, even though you sound like a chainsaw at 2 AM.”
17. For the guy who thinks he is a comedian.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre the funniest guy I know. (Donāt let it go to your head.)”
18. When he finally remembers to take out the trash without asking.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “You turn me on… when you do the chores.”
19. For the sports fanatic who yells at the TV.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre a catch, even if your fantasy team isnāt.”
20. Simple and direct for the guy who hates feelings.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Iām glad youāre my person. Now letās order food.”
Cute Valentine Card Jokes for Her š
We are aiming for “relatable-cute” here. These cute valentine jokes for girlfriend or wife cover everything from stolen clothes to makeup.
21. The ultimate truth about relationships and hoodies.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Happy Valentine’s Day to the thief who stole my heart (and all my hoodies).”
22. For the struggle of deciding where to eat every Friday night.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I promise to always pick the restaurant… eventually.”
23. Acknowledging her slight obsession with makeup stores.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I love you more than you love Sephora. Thatās a lot.”
24. When she gets “hangry” (hungry + angry).
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I love you, even when you haven’t eaten in four hours.”
25. For the wife who needs five alarms to wake up.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre my favorite snooze button.”
26. If she takes forever to get ready.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre worth the wait. All 45 minutes of it.”
27. For the Target enthusiast.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Iād walk every aisle of Target with you.”
28. When her feet are always ice cold in bed.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I love you, even when you use my legs as foot warmers.”
29. For the girl who loves true crime documentaries.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Iād let you investigate my murder.”
30. A sweet nod to her spending habits.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre expensive, but totally worth it.”
Short One-Liners for Small Cards š
For the minimalist who bought a tiny card and needs silly valentine’s day one liners. No fluff, just laughs.
31. Short, sweet, and biologically accurate.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “You make my dopamine levels go all silly.”
32. A classic anti-joke.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Iām not sick of you yet.”
33. For the truly lazy couple.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Letās do nothing together.”
34. A little bit of self-deprecation.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre lucky to have me.”
35. Just the facts.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāll do.”
36. For the realist.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Thanks for being my emergency contact.”
37. A compliment wrapped in sarcasm.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre my favorite weirdo.”
38. When you just want to skip to the candy.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Iām just here for the chocolate.”
39. The best compliment a partner can get.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I like your face.”
40. Honest and brief.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre okay, I guess.”
Sarcastic Valentine’s Day Jokes for Long-Term Couples šµš“
Here is the “old married couple” vibe. We are contrasting this with witty valentine jokes for newlyweds to show that we have survived the trenches.
41. When excitement means going to sleep early.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Let’s celebrate by being in bed by 9 PM.”
42. The truest sign of commitment.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I love you enough to share my Amazon Prime password.”
43. For the couple that has shared finances.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre the only person I want to file joint taxes with.”
44. When the spark is replaced by comfort.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I love that we don’t have to hide our crazy anymore.”
45. Acknowledging the passage of time.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I plan on bugging you for a very, very long time.”
46. When you realize you are stuck together.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Itās too late to back out now. Happy Valentine’s Day!”
47. For the aging couple dealing with aches and pains.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “I love you more than ibuprofen.”
48. The reality of sharing a bathroom.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Love is sharing the toothpaste, even when you squeeze from the middle.”
49. When you know each other’s flaws perfectly.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre annoying, but youāre my annoying.”
50. The ultimate funny valentine’s day card jokes for couples in it for the long haul.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Thanks for keeping me warm and putting up with my drama.”
Valentine’s Day Card Captions for Social Media š±
High-vibe and share-worthy! Here are aesthetic valentineās day card captions and valentine card jokes for long distance couples for your feed.
51. Perfect for a cute selfie.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “We go together like copy and paste.”
52. For the couple dealing with miles between them.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Distance makes the heart grow fonder… and the data bill higher.”
53. A witty tech joke for long distance.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Youāre the WiFi to my internet. Iām lost without you.”
54. Short and punchy for Instagram.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Swiped right, now weāre here.”
55. A food pun for the gram.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Donut know what Iād do without you.”
56. For a photo of you two looking goofy.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Look at us being all couple-y and stuff.”
57. Minimalist aesthetic caption.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “My favorite notification.”
58. Acknowledging the holiday hype.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Hereās our obligatory Valentineās Day post.”
59. Sweet but cool.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Still crushing on you.”
60. The perfect sign-off.
Ready-to-use One-Liner: “Love you to the moon and back (and to the fridge).”
Your Questions Answered š§
What are some funny things to write in a Valentine’s Day card for a new relationship?
Keep it low stakes! You don’t want to scare them off with “love of my life” stuff yet. Try something like, “I’m not saying you’re the best, but I haven’t deleted Hinge yet… just kidding.”
How do I write a funny Valentine’s card that isn’t too cheesy?
Lean into dry humor or self-deprecation. Instead of a pun, state a funny fact about your relationship, like “Thanks for killing the spiders so I don’t have to move out.”
What are the best punny jokes for a Valentine’s Day Instagram caption?
For foodies, try “I love you a lat-te.” For valentine card jokes for long distance couples, try “You’re worth every mile between us (and every frozen Zoom call).”
Using funny valentine’s day card jokes for couples is truly the secret to a stress-free holiday. It breaks the tension, makes you bond, and honestly, laughing is way better than staring awkwardly at each other over an expensive dinner.
What are some short and witty Valentine’s Day jokes for couples? I hope this list gave you plenty of ammo!
Save this list for when you’re standing in the CVS card aisle at 5:00 PM on February 14th panic-buying a card. Youāve got this, mama! š¹š¤”
Save this for later š¤
