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short funny Motherhood quotes
“I used to have functioning brain cells, but I traded them in for children.”
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.”
“Nothing is really lost until mom can’t find it.”
“Motherhood: Powered by love. Fueled by coffee. Sustained by wine.”
“When I raise my voice, my kids call it ‘yelling’ but I call it ‘motivational speaking’ for the selective hearing.”
“The majority of my diet is made up of foods that my kids didn’t finish.”- Carrie Underwood.”
“My kids are never better friends than when it’s 30 minutes past bedtime and they won’t stop giggling.”-‘The Simplified Life’.
“I always say if you aren’t yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.”- Reese Witherspoon.
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.”
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
funny crazy motherhood quotes
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.” – Phyllis Diller
“There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or ask your kids not to do it.” – Malcolm Kushner
“Did you know, when kids go to bed, you can hear yourself think again? I sound fabulous.” – Paige Kellerman
“A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it.” – Marcelene Cox
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“Dance like only your kid is watching. Cook like no one will scream they hate it. And sneeze like you won’t pee your pants.”
“Motherhood is like Albania–you can’t trust the descriptions in the books, you have to go there.”
funny motherhood quotes and sayings
You wrestled a bear? Cool. I removed a splinter from a two year-old’s finger. I think we’re even.
If there is a tooth fairy, it only seems fair that there should be a wine fairy and a laundry fairy. Kids shouldn’t get all the magic.
Stepping on a LEGO land mine at 4:30 a.m. while holding a baby and not falling should be an Olympic sport.
Have you ever just ignored your children when they said, “Mom,” just to see how far they will go? So far we’ve made it to 256.
Are you even a mother if you don’t yell, “Get in the car!” twenty times each morning?
Some days the only way you stand a chance at surviving is to serve all-beige food, turn on YouTube and let the kids hang out pantsless.
Having a second child is like riding a bike… except the bike has no brakes, it is speeding down a hill, and the tires are on fire.
The true test of patience is watching your child try to zip their coat themselves when you are running late.
If you enjoy a clean home, relaxing weekends, and long romantic meals, then parenthood isn’t for you.
“Bathroom” funny motherhood quotes
- You know you’re a mom when you stop daydreaming about a million dollars and start daydreaming about how amazing it would be to go to the bathroom alone.
- I’m unsure when my going to the bathroom turned into a family meeting, but I should definitely contact HR. Oh wait, that’s me.
- A mom only truly understands the meaning of rage when your child walks past everyone else in the house to find you in the bathroom to open their juice box.
- One of the simple pleasures of parenting is locking yourself in the bathroom with a handful of your children’s Halloween candy.
- If you want your child’s full immediate attention, try using the bathroom alone.
- If you stare longingly at your bathtub more than you do at your partner, you might be a mom.
- Nothing pairs better with a long soak, candles, and wine than a four year-old pressed against the bathroom door repeating the phrase, “Mom, are you in there!”
funny new motherhood quotes About Sleeping
- Sleeping like a baby is a lie. I want to sleep like my grandpa on Thanksgiving.
- Telling your kids you will see them in the morning is the greatest lie ever told. You will see them ten more times within the next hour and probably twenty more times before the sun rises.
- Woke up to two toddlers and a kitchen covered in flour. But I slept until 7 a.m. so we are going to call that a win.
- Child: Mom, I’m scared there’s a monster under my bed. Mom: If there is a monster under your bed, please tell him to read you stories and get you drinks, it’s about time he earned his keep.
- Have you ever noticed that the camaraderie between siblings is never greater than when the word “bedtime” is uttered? They seemingly in unison become dehydrated, giggle monsters scared of absolutely nothing.
- The first five years of parenthood is like a 2 a.m. game of Twister in your bed. And you are always the loser.
- You can have eight hours of sleep, or you can have children. You cannot, in fact, have both.
motherhood funny quotes About Food
ALSO READ: 90 Best Motherhood Quotes Short For New Moms
- I never thought in my life I would have to yell more than once, “Don’t lick that.” But I was wrong. Oh, how wrong I was.
- That brown stain on your fingers could be chocolate, but it’s also just as likely not to be. Better not risk it.
- Motherhood: That moment when you are searching for your child’s misplaced Halloween candy that you ate last night.
- Who knew you could ruin a child’s day simply by serving milk in the wrong colored cup?
- When you become a mother of toddlers, your biggest fear suddenly becomes running out of cheese sticks and chicken nuggets.
- Dreams of a mother include: seeing your child graduate, witnessing your kid find true love, and someday finishing a meal without having to get up and retrieve more ketchup.
- 90 percent of parenting is passing out snacks and counting down the minutes until nap time.
funny quotes about motherhood
- “You might have a mom, she might be the bomb, but ain’t nobody got a mom like mine.”- Meghan Trainor.
- “ Behind every great woman is an even better mother.”- Elinor Roosevelt.
- “The days are long, but the years are short.”- Gretchen Rubin.
- “I can only hope to be 10% of the mom mine was to me.”- Charlize Theron.
- “A mother is a person who, seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”- Tenneva Jordan.
- “There is no way to be a perfect mother, and a million ways to be a good one.”- Jill Churchill.
- “The art of mothering is to teach the art of living to children.”- Elaine Heffner.
- “A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.”
- Tenneva Jordan.
- “My mother has always been my emotional barometer and my guidance.- Emma Stone.
- “To describe my mother would be to write about a hurricane in its perfect power.”- Maya Angelou.
funny quotes on new motherhood
- “My mother always said ‘Don’t bother other people.’ I think that’s good advice.”- Amy Sedaris.
- “I’m not a regular mom. I’m a cool mom.”- June George.
- “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ It is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”- Erma Bombeck.
- “Mother is a verb. It’s something you do. Not just who you are.”- Cheryl Lacey Donovan.
- “Mothers are like glue. Even when you can’t see them, they’re still holding the family together.”- Susan Gale.
- “In the end, mothers are always right. No one else tells the truth.”- Randy Susan Meyers.
- “Once you’re a mom, you’re always a mom. It’s like riding a bike, you never forget.”- Taraji P. Henson.
- “I only love my bed and my mama, I’m sorry.”- Drake.
- “There’s no bond so strong in the entire world. No love so instantaneous and forgiving.”- Gail Tsukiyama.
- “I love you a thousand yellow daisies.”- Gilmore Girls.
- “Mothers and their children are in a category all their own. ”- Gail Tsukiyama.
- “My mother was my role model before I even knew what that word was.”- Lisa Leslie.
- “When you look at your mother, you are looking at the purest love you will ever know”- Mitch Albom.
motherhood funny parenting quotes
- “I’ve conquered a lot of things…blood clots in my lungs- twice…knee and foot surgeries…winning grand slams being down match point…to name just a few but I found out by far the hardest is figuring out a stroller.”- Serena Williams.
- “Becoming a mom to me means you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”- Nia Vardalos.
- “Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”- Julia Roberts.
- “Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.”
- “Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.”
- “My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.”- Buddy Hackett.
- “Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.”- P.J. O’Rourke.
- “Ma-ma does everything for the baby, who responds by saying Da-da first.”
- “Parenthood is the passing of a baton, followed by a lifelong disagreement as to who dropped it.”- Robert Brault.
- “Every time I say “no” my kids hear, “ask again, she didn’t understand the question.”
motherhood new mom quotes funny
- “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children!”- Sam Levenson.
- “Acceptance, tolerance, bravery, compassion. These are the things my mum taught me.”- Lady Gaga.
- “It may be possible to gild pure gold, but who can make his mother more beautiful?”- Mahatma Gandhi.
- “Any mother could do the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease”- Lisa Alther.
- “We have a secret in our culture, and it’s not that birth is painful. It’s that women are strong.”- Laura Stavoe Harm.
- “In the end, mothers are always right. No one else tells the truth.”- Randy Susan Meyers.
- “When the milk first comes in, it’s like a tsunami.”- Emily Blunt.
- “Sometimes I stand there going, ‘I’m not doing any of this right!’ And then I get this big man belch of her and I go, ‘Ah, we accomplished this together.”- Christina Applegate.
- “Motherhood is tough. If you just want a wonderful little creature to love, you can get a puppy.”- Barbara Walters.
- “Raising a kid is part joy and part guerilla warfare.”- Ed Asner.
- “[Having four kids is] endless stuff. It’s endless entertainment, it’s endless stress, endless responsibility.”- Maya Rudolph.
best funny motherhood quotes
- “I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn’t have paid for me.”
- “Everyone’s at different ages and levels, everyone’s into different stuff. But everyone is into slime.”- Maya Rudolph.
- “If I wasn’t at work, I just wanted to stay home and party with my little man — and by ‘party’ I mean, of course, endless rounds of ‘Itsy Bitsy Spider.”- Olivia Wilde.
- “It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”- Betty White.
- “ Every day when you’re raising kids, you feel like you could cry or crack up and just scream ‘This is ridiculous!’ because there’s so much nonsense, whether it’s what they’re saying to you or the fact that there’s avocado or poop on every surface.”- Kristen Bell.
- “I’ve learned that it’s way harder to be a baby. For instance, I haven’t thrown up since the ’90s and she’s thrown up twice since we started this interview.”- Eva Mendes.
- “Why don’t kids understand that their nap is not for them but for us?”- Alyson Hannigan.
- “Parenting Tip: Maybe don’t leave Hungry Hungry Hippos on the floor of a dark room.”- Rachel Dratch.
- 65. “I was lucky enough to get to have one woman who truly helped me through everything.”- Emma Stone.
- 66. “Children are like crazy, drunken small people in your house”- Julie Bowen.
- “I didn’t full wrap my head around the fact that there would be a person at the end of it. I read endlessly about pregnancy and what to eat and what not to eat. And then I sort of prepared not at all for the actual baby.”- Ellie Kemper.
- “I don’t think so mommy!” is what my child said after, “Can you please pick up the popcorn you threw all over?”- Anna Faris.
- “An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest.”- Spanish Proverb.
- “The phrase ’working mother’ is redundant.”“If evolution really works, how come mothers have only two hands?”- Milton Berle.
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